1534 
54 fl8 

py 1 

lOOL AND SOCIAL DRAMA. 

"-A-ct -^^T-ell 3ro-u.r part." 



THE ASSESSOR. 



7. ^. pENI30JM. 



I'laiOE 15 OEJSTTS. 



CHICAGO : 

T. S. DENISON. 

187S. 



NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



T. S. DENISON'S CATALOGUE OF 

NEW PLAYS, 

FOR SCHOOLS and AMATEURS. 
1878. 

I^iaXCE, 15 CEIsTTS EJ^CH. 



These plays have l)cuii prepared expressly to meet the -.vants ol' teachers 
and amateur clubs. They are simple in construction, and require no scenery, 
or such as is usually at hand. They anV)rd room for " octhit^," They arc pure 
ill lone and laiii(Ha<re. The six first on the list were before the public last 
vear, and met with a very favor.lble reception. 

•' If the succeedinff numbers are as good as the first, \vc predict for Ihem 
a larg-e demand." — National Teachers' Monthly, j\. 2'. ami Chicago. 

"These plays appear to be full of fun and to teach nianv good lessons with- 
al." — Wis.Jonr. of Education. 

"The farces are full of fun." — Daily Inter- Ocean, Chicago. 

"These plays are realizing the dearth of good literature in this department." 
— /V. r. School linUetin. 

ODDS WITH THE ENEMY. 

A drama in five acts; 7 male and .\ female characters. Time i hour 5omin. 
Contains a good humorous negro character. 

■•It took splendidly. 'T.ilibs' made it spicv.'-' — C. E. Rojrer.i, Dunkirk, Ind. 

SETH GREENBACK. 

A drama in four acts; 7 male and 3 female characters. Tine i hour 15 m. 

" 'Seth Greenback ' has one very good Irish comic character, and some 
pathetic and telling situations. The plot is simple and dramatic, and culmin- 
ates well." — loiva Normal Afonthlv. 

WANTED, A C0RR]5SP0NDENT. 

A farce in two acts, 4 male and .) female characters. Time 45 111. \'ery 
mteresting and amusing. 

INITIATING A GRANGER. 

A ludicrous farce; S male characters. Time, 2J ni. 

" 'Initiating a tJranger' brought down the house." — "J. L.Sharp, Burlington 
foiva. 

THE SPARKLING CUP. 

A temperance drama in five acts; 12 male and 4 female characters. Time, 
I hour 45 m. A thrilling play, worthy -Uie best eilbrts of .amateurs. Pathetic song 
and death scene. '^ 

"It is just the thing for dramatic clubs." — The Anvil, Washington, D. C. 



a?nE3 



ASSESSOR. 



BY 

/ 

T. S. DENISON, 

Author of Odds with the Enemy; The Sparkling Cup; Seth Greenback; 

Louva, the Pauper; Wanted, A Correspondent; Initiattng a Gra?iger ; 

A Family Strike; Hans Von Smash; Two Ghosts in While; 

Borrowing Trouble ; The Full Back ; Country Justice : 

tic. 




CHICAGO: 
1878. 

Copyright, 1878, by T. S. DeoiioD. 



^^^ 



CHARACTERS. 



Mr. Taxshirk, 

Mrs. Taxshirk, 

Bub Taxshirk, 

Sarah Jane Taxshirk, 
Thk Tax Assessor. 



COSTUMES. 



Taxshirk and his family, substantial cn""«Ty dress; 
Assessor in plain business suit. 



THE ASSESSOR. 



Scene. Room in a Farmer's House. Enter farmer Taxshirk and 
the Assessor. 
Taxshirk. Take a seat mister. Let me see — what might your 

name be? 

Assessor. Mv name is Dooley— John Dooley. 

Taxshirk. Waal now I guess yeou aint no relation to the Doo- 
leys down bv Binkley's Corners, be yeou? 

Assessor. Slightly related, I believe. Old Jack Dooley down 
by the corners is a second cousin of my father's. 

Taxshirk. Then you 're a son of Sim Dooley — long Sim, we 
called him. 

Assessor. Exactly — the same. 

Taxshirk. Waal dew tell ! Heow is Sim. 

Assessor. Oh, he's all right and good for many a year yet. 

Taxshirk. I swow. Who'd a thought it. I'd like to see Sim 
again. Many a rastle Sim and I have had. Hewas aboutthebest 
rqstler in the kyounty. I held a pretty even whiffletree with him 
though, aud we could never quite settle which was the best man. 

Aasessor. I've heard father speak often of his wrestling. 

Taxshirk. Sim was a' most like a brother to me. We used to 
go to spellin' school together. I remember as well as yesterday 
the first time your father went sparkin' of your mother, Maria 
Briggs. 

Assessor. Ah, you have a good memory I see, Mr. Taxshirk. 

Taxshirk. Your father moved aout to this state the same spring 
I did. It 's nigh onto thirty year I guess. I tell yeou, Mr. Doo- 
lev, your father and I were 'two of the poorest men that ever came 
west. Sallie and me had nothing in the house but three 
plates, three knives and forks, and two cups and sassers. 
We 'd a straAv bed ^nd coverled, and all the extra clothes that we 
had, that wan't on our backs, you could 'a put in your overcoat 
pocket. Dang my boots if you couldn't. {Laughs.) 

Assessor. I 've heard father say, often, that those were trying 
times. 

Taxshirk. Waal they were, / tell yeou. We carried corn on 
critter back thirty mile to mill. It took plump three days to go to 
mill and back. I suppose your father has picked up considerable 
sencethen? 



146 THE ASSESSOR. 

Assrsxor. He can't reasonably complain. 1 see by the looks o) 
your larm and your stock, that you are pretty well off for this 
world, too. 

V'uxs/iirJd. I guess I had'nt ought to complain. Speakin' ol 
stock, yeou don't see no finer, I kalkilate, than ourn. I've gotthe 
best kyows in the kyounty. 

Assrssor. Do you keep much stock, Mr Taxshirk.' 

Taxshirk. Waal yes I guess so. We've about as mucii as Buh 
and myself can tend. We 've eleven kyows, an' seven head ol 
horses, an' I guess close rubbin' onto four hundred head of sheep. 
Milkin' the kyows, and tendin' to the butter an' cheese is a sight 
of work. 

Enter Mrs. Taxshirk and Bi:b. 

Taxshirk. Sallie this is Mr. Dooley, Sim Dooley'shoy. (Mrs. 
T. sJmk-cs lianiis ivith liiin.) 

Mrs. T. (joodness me! Sim Dooley's boy. I haint seen your 
pap for ti n \ ear, or sich a matter. How is he.'' 

Assessor. He is well. 

Taxshirk. I am sorry Sim moved down into the other 
kvounlv. We never see him nowadays. If I might inquire, are 
you married.' 

Assessor. I am. 

Taxshirk. Where do you live.' 

Assessor. I moved up into this township last spring. 

Mrs. T. I do say. Why, we never heerd tell of it. 

Bub. Why, mother, didn't you hear about that Dooley feller 
that moved into Snook's old house.' 

Taxshirk. Yes, you heard of it, Sallie. You've forgot. Bub 
told us, vcou know. 

Airs. r. I 'spose I heerd it, but my memory ain't as good as it 
was twenty or thirty year ago. Bub remembers everything. 

Taxshirk. Bub, have you turned the cows to pasture? 

Bu/>. Sairv Jane's doin' that. 

Taxshirk. Bub, how much milk did old Brindle give when she 
was fresh.' 

Bub. Two wooden pails-full. 

Afrs. T. Oil! Crumpley's just as good a cow any day. 

Taxshirk. I guess if anything, she's a leetle better for butter, 
but I 'spose there ain't a tuppence ditference between them. I 
wouldn't take a fifty dollar greenback of any man's money tor 
either of them. 

Enter Sarah Jane. 

Sarah y. Pap, all five of the big colts jumped into the cow 
pasture, and the little ones are tryin' to git in too. 

Taxshirk. That's the way it goes. Them colts will pester the 
life out of me. Bub, we must repair that fence after plafttin'. 

Assessor. Mr. Taxshirk, as time is precious, perhaps I had 
better state my business. 

Taxshirk. Out with it, then! I guessed when I saw youcomin' 



THE ASSESSOR. H? 

vou was some city feller with patent-rights or somethin' of the 
iind. But I guess Sim Dooley's boy wouldn't go round swindlin' 
his neighbors with patent rights. 

Mrs. T. Maybe he 's got sewin' machines. 

Assessor. No, ma'am ; I am 

Bub. He' s the feller with oil chromos, I'll bet. 

Assessor. You are mistaken ! I am not a peddler. 

Sarah J. Mother, if he's the book agent that's round, I want 
a book full of battles like the one Sis Jones's pap bougnt for her. 

Taxshirk. I guess we don't want any books these hard times. 

Mrs T. The last one we bought, the kiver come oif in less than 
six weeks, before the children was through readin' it. An' they 
ain't hard on books, either. The teller he came round again sellin' 
picters, an' he actually wouldn't take it back. 

Assessor. Madam, I am not a book agent, I am happy to say: 
I am the township assessor. 

Taxsliirh. {yumps up excitedly.) How's that, Mr. Dooley.!* 
Sol Willams was elected, accordin' to my count. 

Assessor. But he appointed me as his deputy. That's how 
it is. 

Taxshirk. {Grtiffly.) Wa'af, if thafs your business, why didn't 
you say so. I want to git to my work. 

Assessor. {Produces blanks for the returns) We will proceed 
then at once. It is, perhaps, unnecessary to read the explanation 
to you in full. I will read you the affidavit sometimes required. 
{Reads rapidly^ I do solemnly swear that I will enumerate to the 
best of my knowledge and belief all my properties of every kind 
whatsoever, as heremafter mentioned, viz: chattels, moneys, loans, 
bonds, securities, &c., &c. 

Taxshirk. { Testily.) Hold on, I say ! I wouldn't give a straw 
for the man whose word isn't as good as his oath. I'll not SAvear, 
I guess. 

Assessor. Very well ! We'll proceed without the oath. How 
many milch cows have you.'' 

Taxshirk. Seven ! 

Assessor. Excuse me, Mr. Taxshirk, but I understood a few 
minutes ago that you had eleven milch cows. 

Taxshirk. Botheration ! Four of them are dry ! 

Assessor. Exactly! (Writes.) Eleven milch cows, and four of 
them dry. (Laughs.) 

Sarah J. No that ain't right. There's eleven milch cows and 
four dry cows. 

Taxshirk. Sairy Jane, go into the kitchen. Learn to hold your 
tongue when older folks than you be are talkin'! (£otV Sarah 
Jane.) 

Assessor. Exactly! (Reads^ Eleven milch cows, four dry 
cows; worth, say $30 apiece. Is that right? 

Taxshirk. (Gruffiy ) I kalkilate it is 

Mrs. T. Mr. Dooley, you've no idea what a loss it was for 
them four cows to go dry. It made a big hole in the cheese. 



14R THE ASSESSOR. 

The mules knocked down the fence and let the keows into the 
corn, an' four of them never got over the gorge an' we had to put 
them drv. 

Taxshirk: Sallie, hadn't you better see to the kitchen. {Aside.) 
Confound it, women can't keep their tongues. {Exit Mrs. T) 

Assessor. Mules! Ah, mules are unruly animals. How many 
mules, Mr. Taxshirk.' 

Taxshirk. Only seven ! 

Assessor. Worth say $50 apiece. 

Taxshirk. {Snappishly^ They're not worth it. Mule meat is 
cheap and mean. 

Assessor. You have very fine stock, Mr. Taxshirk, and doubt- 
less yoiu' mules are no exception, but we will compromise at $40 
per head. How many horses? 

Taxshirk. Nine! Worth about $50 per head on the «'erage I 
kalkylate. 

Assessor. Cheap horseflesh! Any for sale at those figures? I 
want a good span of horses. 

Bub. Why, Pap, you was ofl'cred $300 for Selim last week. 

Taxshirk. Bub, can't I teach you not to meddle when I'm 
talkin'. 

Bub. {Angrily.) You'd forget you had a head if it wan't for 
me. 

Taxshirk. Clear out you young scamp and no talkin' back! 
The 'Sessor an' me can tend to this business. Git to haulin' rails 
to mend that fence. {Exit Bub.) 

Assessor. We'll say $75 per head for the horses all 'round. 
Will that do? 

Taxshirk. {Hesitating.) Wa'al I guess so. 

Assessor. You said tour hundred sheep, I believe. Say one 
dollar per head. Anything else? 

Ta.\shirk. Ten hogs, worth a matter of $15. 

Assessor. Well pork is cheap. {Writes.) Is that all the live 
stock ? 

Taxshirk. All I think of. 

Asse.^or. Your daughter mentioned some colts ; five large and 
five small, I believe. 

Taxshirk. Well, by jingo, my memory is getting bad! I clean 
forgot^hem. {Laughs.) Put in the ten at $150. 

Assessor. Call it $200. {Jl'rites) What is the value of your 
household furniture and appurtenances? 

Taxshirk. We're not very stylish here, as you see. We've 
nothin' but cheers and tables an' bedstids, and sich like. I guess 
the hul kit is worth about $300, countin' the new bureau in the 
best room. 

Assessor. What is the value of your farm implements? 

Taxshirk. About $100, or sich a matter. 

Enter Sarah Jank. 



THE ASSESSOR. 149 

Sarah J. Mother wants to know what time it is by Bub's 
watch. The clock 's stopped. 

Assessor. Oh, yes; one watch. {Writes^ 

Taxshirk. (Ang-rt'ly.) Confound that clock, I'll smash it into 
flinders the next time it stops ! Sairy Jane, go long and don't 
bother me. 

Enter Bub. 

Bub. Pap, shall I take the horses or the oxen to haul the 
rails.'' 

Assessor. Oxen! Quite true, we forgot them. How many 
yoke .? 

Taxshtrk. [In a rage.) One yoke ; put it down ! Bub, you're an 
ass. Mr. 'Sessor, put zf/ifl;/ down too. One taxable ass. (To Bub!) 
You young imp ! when I send you out why don't you stay out till 
you're sent for? Go! {Exit Qvb. Sounds of piano heard in ad- 
joining room.) 

Taxshirk. (Aside.) I wish that piano was in China. 

Assessor. I was not aware that your daughter could play. If 
there's anything I like it's music. What is your instrument 
worth? 

Taxshirk. So you're going to tax that too, be you? It's nuthin' 
but ornament and nonsense, and ought to go in free. 

Assessor. Couldnt't do it. The directions are explicit. Read 
them. (Hands pafer to T.) . 

Taxshirk. I paid $500 for it, but it ain't wor/^ anything. It's 
all a piece of tomfoolery. 

Assessor. Really, Mr. Taxshirk, hadn't you better call in your 
family to assist you in listing your property? Your memory is 
so very bad. 

Taxshirk. No, confound it. Thanks to your meddlin' an' 
pryin' round, you've got it all. (A pause. Assessor xvriting in his 
book. In loud key^ I say, you've got it all. (Assessor continues 
■writing. Still louder.) Confound you, man, why don't you go? 
Are you waiting for more live stock to grow, so you can 'sess it? 

Assessor. Not at all ! not at all ! Thank you, Mr. Taxshirk, for 
the very full returns I've got. Good day ! (Exit.) 

CURTAIN. 



p^«v«aj<^i^y-> 



A FAMILY STRIKE. 

A spicy iarce, illustniting- "strikes," 3 male and 2 female characters. Time 
20 minutes. 

LOUVA, THE PAUPER. 

A drama in five acts; 9 male and 4 female characters. Time, i horn- 45 min. 
Contains a good Yankee character and a humorous darky character. This is 
an intensely interesting- and pathetic play. It admits of striking scenic effects- 
and is a strong play for amateurs. 

TWO GHOSTS IN WHITE. 

A humorous farce based on boarding--school life; 7 female characters. Time 
25 m. Abounds in ludicrous episodes. 

HANS VON SMASH. 

A roaring- farce in a prologue and one act; 3 male and 4 female characters. 
Time, 30 min. Contains an excellent humorous Dutch character. 

THE ASSESSOR. 

A humorous sketch, illustrating the difficulties of an assessor in listing the 
property of a tax-fighter; 3 male and 2 female characters. Time, 15 m. 

BORROWING TROUBLE. 

A ludicrous farce; 3 male and 4female characters. Time, 30 m. Illustrates 
the yery amusing trials ot a borrowing family. 

THE PULL-BACK. 

A laughable farce; 6 female characters. Time, 20 min. Contains an ex- 
cellent old-fashioned, "old lady " character. Pictures her adventures among 
the devotees of iasliion. 

COUNTRY JUSTICE. 

A verv amusing country law suit; S liiale characters. (iMay admit 14.) Time 
20 minutes. 

ON THE BRINK, 
Or, The Reclaimed Husband. 

A temperance drama in two acts; 12 male and 3 female characters. Time, 
I hour, 45 m. Seven of the characters have unimportant parts, and some of the 
parts are so arranged that the same person may play two parts. Contiins 
three humorous Yankee characters. A fine play for amateurs. 

A PARLOR ENTERTAINMENT. 

A Sketch ; 2 male and g female characters. Time, 25 m. A good piece for 
younger boys and girls. 

New plays will appear from time to time. Costumes furnished. Wigs, 
beards, "masks, face paints, tableau lights, etc., at lowest rates. Parties de- 
siring full information, please address us. 

T. S. DENISON, 

CHICAGO. ILL. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




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Schoi)/ Jioarifs. 



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The above Air- Pump, retailing at S900, is claimed to be superior 
to those ordinarily retaibng at $20.00. 

1. It fxhausls and condenses without any change of its parts, where 
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then 58 extra must be paid for a condensing chamber ; not only this, 
liul the parts must be changed, and the pump is likely to get out of 
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2. Its exhausting power is at a maximum, the valves being light and 
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3. No instructions accompany ordinary apparatus. The above pump 
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\. The entire outfit costs but $20, capable of performing 100 exper- 
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All for $20. Carefully packed in a neat box. 

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Chicago, m. 



